Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I still have a little drunk in my system
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
