"it" just moved
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
