Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want to make out with him forever
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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