we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
