you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
