Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
