im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
