don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
