Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
