Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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