Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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