He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
