Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
