apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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