Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
