you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
