if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
