he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
