I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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