Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
