Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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