college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
