my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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