And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
