She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
