I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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