i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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