What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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