the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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