I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
