just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
