I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
