Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
