She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
