Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
