Your face is a jimmy john
Plan B is the new Plan A
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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