3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
