if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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