This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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