I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
