pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
