She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
last night I used snow as a chaser
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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