I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
