Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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