i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
