Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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