You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
