I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
