party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
