words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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