The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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