Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
