You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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