I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize