i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
