dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
