I faked an abortion last night.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize