Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
