btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
