he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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