After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
