when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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