Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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