My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
